The cuts

Hitting it hard.  Just going for it. 

There are these people called "cutters."  The cut.  Duh.  But, why?  Who would do that?  In a society that prides itself on flawlessness, who would put flaws purposefully on their own skin?  Are they suicidal? Are they freaks? What is wrong with them?  

I actually looked it up.  The best explanation I've found was here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/05/cutting-and-self-injury/.  

Wanna know why I am so interested?  Because I used to cut.  I shy away from saying "I am a cutter" now, because, even though just tonight I was tempted, I refuse to label myself as a type.  That would mean there is no escape.

Why did I cut?  Why do I still struggle? Because I have pain.  As we most do.  I just am predispositioned to this, fell for it, and struggle now.  But am I a slave to it? NO!!!

Tonight, the temptation was brought in by a picture.  A happy picture that I took of my son.  Crazy, right?!  But I couldn't visibly see my scars anymore in the picture.  So, in my mind, I must be totally okay, right?  Well...I don't feel okay.  I feel struggle.  I feel pain.  Yes, I am happy.  I have a great life.  But am I perfect?  Flawless?  Absolutely not!  So...in my mind, I should see scars.  Especially where they have been cut.

I did not cut tonight.  Wanna know why? Because Jesus did it for me.  He took a couple nails, some real painful cuts of a whip, and a stab if a sword.  And he rose again.  For me.  I don't have to suffer.  I don't have to live in it.  God sent His son.  Jesus died for me.  I a totally not worthy of it.  But no one is.  My life is a complete mess.  And I did a lot of it.  But then Jesus.  He came.  God sent Him.  With every whip, every pounding of the nails, every gasp of breath...He thought of me. Maybe not personally...there are a ton of people in this world...but conceptually, I was there!  I am loved, even when I don't feel it by those I think should show it more..including myself, y'all.  Jesus loves me.  He LOVES me.

Update:  it is now October 19, and I have cut twice since this post.  I fall and stumble.  And yet this post is still relevant.  All because God loves me and cares for me.  Grace is all we can ask for.  We will never make it in our own.  We have to just pray and believe and keep stepping through faith, even as we struggle.  It's the only way.