The cuts

Hitting it hard.  Just going for it. 

There are these people called "cutters."  The cut.  Duh.  But, why?  Who would do that?  In a society that prides itself on flawlessness, who would put flaws purposefully on their own skin?  Are they suicidal? Are they freaks? What is wrong with them?  

I actually looked it up.  The best explanation I've found was here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/05/cutting-and-self-injury/.  

Wanna know why I am so interested?  Because I used to cut.  I shy away from saying "I am a cutter" now, because, even though just tonight I was tempted, I refuse to label myself as a type.  That would mean there is no escape.

Why did I cut?  Why do I still struggle? Because I have pain.  As we most do.  I just am predispositioned to this, fell for it, and struggle now.  But am I a slave to it? NO!!!

Tonight, the temptation was brought in by a picture.  A happy picture that I took of my son.  Crazy, right?!  But I couldn't visibly see my scars anymore in the picture.  So, in my mind, I must be totally okay, right?  Well...I don't feel okay.  I feel struggle.  I feel pain.  Yes, I am happy.  I have a great life.  But am I perfect?  Flawless?  Absolutely not!  So...in my mind, I should see scars.  Especially where they have been cut.

I did not cut tonight.  Wanna know why? Because Jesus did it for me.  He took a couple nails, some real painful cuts of a whip, and a stab if a sword.  And he rose again.  For me.  I don't have to suffer.  I don't have to live in it.  God sent His son.  Jesus died for me.  I a totally not worthy of it.  But no one is.  My life is a complete mess.  And I did a lot of it.  But then Jesus.  He came.  God sent Him.  With every whip, every pounding of the nails, every gasp of breath...He thought of me. Maybe not personally...there are a ton of people in this world...but conceptually, I was there!  I am loved, even when I don't feel it by those I think should show it more..including myself, y'all.  Jesus loves me.  He LOVES me.

Update:  it is now October 19, and I have cut twice since this post.  I fall and stumble.  And yet this post is still relevant.  All because God loves me and cares for me.  Grace is all we can ask for.  We will never make it in our own.  We have to just pray and believe and keep stepping through faith, even as we struggle.  It's the only way.

Struggles

Yesterday I posted for the first time in 3 whole years!!  Big deal for me.  Mostly because I have changed!  Go figure..a woman who changes...

I am not the "share it all" type these days that I used to be.  I pick a few "lucky" (?) few and share it all.  However, what I have noticed is that many like the ice to be broken so that they can also share their true selves.  So...consider me your guinea pig, your scape goat, as it were.  I am happy to just spill if it means someone else can benefit!

Some struggle with drugs, some with alcohol, others still with food even.  Me?  My struggle is with...people?  Maybe.  Words?  Sometimes?  Feelings? Always.

I love to twist and contort words.  Word are my drug, my kryptonite.  I crave them and also abhor them.  

I am an odd being.  I am outgoing, sarcastic, up in the air, go with the flow, do whatcha wanna, yet I need control, things need to make sense, I need to talk things out.  

I am very blessed to have a great family and a great church family that "gets" me. I understand most don't get that.  

My message tonight is that, even if it hurts (I get it!) just say it.  Text it, say it in person or over the phone.  People come for a reason.  Some for a season, but ALWAYS for a reason!

Last night I finally bit the bullet and expressed what I actually was thinking.  Guess what?!  My friend was totally understanding and sent only love and honesty.  And we are much better for it!  Thank my Dear Lord!  No more wondering or dread or guilt!

I love all who are suffering and all who are just fine.  Grace covers us all.

Just a Cyclothymic Girl, Living in a Topsy-Turvy World

Cyclothymia (n.) can be described as (according to Wikipedia): a type of chronic mood disorder widely considered to be a more chronic but milder or subthreshold form of bipolar disorder. Cyclothymia is characterized by numerous mood swings, with periods of hypomanic symptoms that do not meet criteria for a major hypomanic episode,^[1] alternating with periods of mild or moderate symptoms of depression that do not meet criteria for a major depressive episode.

Translation: not quite bipolar, but also not normal.

But then again...

Normalcy (n.): Who knows?!?

I mean, really.  Even people without a diagnosis to explain their issues don't feel "normal."  There is always something missing, someone "better."  The purpose of this post (after an entirely too long hiatus) is to argue that we are all "normal" in our own right, whether diagnosed or not, medicated or not.

I have had a crazy couple of years.  Daddy died 2 years ago as if this past January, I got pregnant a year ago, my sweet baby nephew was born only to go straight to be with our Lord, and I had to watch as my brother and his amazingly strong wife suffered while my baby boy was born well.  I don't say all this for sympathy.  Yes, times have been tough, but more than anything I am amazed.  Amazed at my family's strength, amazed at God's Amazing Grace.  Have we been through some crap?  Uh, yup.  Have we been to some dark places?  Well, I certainly have.  Have we been abandoned?  Absolutely NOT.  

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

Yes, I feel crazy most of the time.  Yes, I feel like maybe sometimes I'm not good enough.  Yes, I struggle daily with thoughts that tell me "You're awkward.  You're strange.  You'll never belong.  You're not good enough.  You're just too much."  But should I buy in to those?  Most would say "NO!!"  But would you tell yourself that same answer??  See, even though I deal daily with it, I am working on this thing called "imperfect progress" (Thanks to Lysa Terkeurst and her book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotion).  What I'm asking is, Are you where I've been lately?  Do you feel the same way?  Not enough, yet also maybe too much crazy for the "normal" world to take on?  Cuz it is my experience that we are not alone in this.  Also, we never have to suffer alone.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither Angels nor demons, nor any power, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39

See?  Love.  Eternally, unquestioning, ever-present.  So just rest.  Even if the feeling of rest is fleeting (because it is imperfect progress, afterall), just know that He is not fleeting.  He is always there.  A constant in our chaos.  A victor in our defeat.